The Hostility of Whiteness: Reflections on working at NGOs, Community Orgs, and the Supposed Fight for Racial Justice
Art by Shani - March 2016
What does the spirit say about working at NGOs who assert that they fight and believe in racial, gender, and economic justice? It says:
“star child, how many times do we have to tell you that these places are not where you get lift- ed, where you are held, where you can thrive, flourish, and bloom the way your ancestors dreamed of. Why you keep thinking it will be different at another building, with a different name, and another group of people? It is all the same. They are all entrenched and working thru the same white supremacist capitalistic patriarchal anti-Black, anti-Queer beliefs, practices and conditioning????”
Ok, maybe they ain’t saying all of that but that is what it feels like. Especially when its gets to the point where my spirit is being tried. Which usually happens because one or several of the following things:
A Black person gets fired. Suddenly and abruptly with no explanation, no notice, no time to transition out so they can get there lives together. No time to transition so the people who they work with can get theirselves together. Simplemente, nada.
A series of Black people quit (read: are pushed out) over the course of year while working at an org who mission says something to the effect of: We work to support the Black community in order to amplify their political voices...or something like that.
All Black employees get paid less than their white colleagues, although they may have more experience or educational background.
Recognition that an org that professes to be about and for the community and collaboration and yet practices of being in community and collaboration are ABSENT in the day to day.
Everything is murky, unclear, and ambiguous. No clear processes, no clear communication, no clear working agreements, no clear expectations.
There is the proclamation that Black women, Latinx women, Asian Women, Queer and Trans Folks, Indigenous folks, and working class folks are valued and yet they are absent from your staff, leadership team, and board.
The planning of events, digital organizing strategies, convenings, etc do not include the people who it is suppose to be for.
This list just goes on and on and on.
I know that a lot of this has to do with capital- ism and the way this whole non-profit industrial complex is set up. It is designed to be inherently racist, anti-Black, anti-Queer, anti-working class, anti-communal. I learned that the first time after leaving Color of Change. But just because you know it, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t sting, hurt, and fuck with your mental stability when you see it play out in front of you. Again.
The hostility of whiteness is some real ass shit.It will have you out hear questioning who you are, in fear of your life, in fear of imprisonment, in fear of losing your job, experiencing up and down mood swings because everything feels unstable, questioning your sense of self-worth, over working yourself to be the right kind of Black.
The hostility of whiteness is firing one of two Black people at your org and telling the remaining Black person that you value them. But to value Black people you have to understand, hear, and be able to empathize with who we are. Black folks are relational. Black folks thrive in community. So when you fire a Black person and say you can give no explanation or reason as to why it happen. It is not only a concern of equity but also a serious misunderstanding in what it means to truly value Black people and put into practice what it means to be collaborative and intersectional. Intersectionality requires a lot of self-reflection. A lot of reconciliation with oneself around how your biases come up and can be harmful. Practicing equity is about the willingness to reflect and interrogate these biases and behaviors and actively seeking out what you need to learn in order to disrupt them.
There are a few things that are coming up for me personally through this process:
1. Why is it that I always find myself in organizations where Black people fired or forced to leave in ways that are triggering, traumatizing, and the complete opposite of the definition of equity?
2. Why is it that I continue to stay in these jobs?
3. When will I give myself the freedom to follow my spirit and move in the direction that, though scary, will ultimately not have me fending off daily attacks on my spirit?
I really want to spend sometime with these limiting, old school, traditional beliefs of mine. I’ll have to save reflections on that for another time.
I do feel good about coming to terms with who the hell I am tho. And that feels good. I am a hyper sensitive, empath, Black, grandchild of some traveling Southerners, child of a firey family that struggles with mental health and substance abuse, Queer/Bisexual, artist, people centered, nature loving, dreamer, wanderer, spirit chaser, multi-dimensional being who is really wanting to be in community with people who are dedicated to their healing and truly TRULY operating from a place of love and kindness. I want to be with incredible light beings who are bringing people together and helping each other to see the damn light in a nonegocentered individualistic kind of way. That is relational, creative and life giving. So that we can all be free and thrive. And not feel so isolated, trapped, unheard, exploited, unloved. The questions I am left with are:
What would it look like to exist outside of these institutional, 9-5, full-time work type situations?
Are there ways that we can take care of our- selves, our loved ones without giving so much of our time, emotions, and energy to an institution?
There are other ways of making a living, what will it take to deprogram ourselves from our k-12 conditioning and begin to imagine life-giving possibilities?
For now, I’m calling in Light. Breathtaking Light, full of compassion and resilient communal togetherness. I want to feel held, encouraged, inspired to create and serve.
In the meantime, writing helps. Speaking freely helps. And at least I feel like I can do that now. And that is something :)
This piece was originally published in “What the Spirit Says” Volume 1
Get your copy on my etsy page https://www.etsy.com/shop/anikweens