Ritual Making: Thoughts on Getting Clear, Focused, ReAligned, and Centered

Today marks the beginning of Day #4 of my juice cleanse and it is emulating the mood of the great oceans. At times it is steady and at ease, giving me an overall sense of calmness and rootedness that allows me to see a little bit clearer. And at other times it is hitting me hard, crashing into me like the force of mountain size waves rolling back and forth across the pacific shoreline.

I’m sticking with it tho. One day at a time. Moment by moment. Breath by breath.

7 days. That’s what I am shooting for. Nothing but juices, water, and herbal teas. I might have to throw in some veggie soup or broth if I feel myself getting extremely anxious.

Why do this? Why put myself through 7 days without eating food? Well, for one, this ain’t about losing weight. I think back in the day (and for me that is like my early 20’s) whenever I heard anything about cleanses it was always on some losing weight thing. So much attention (perhaps that is what I was oriented to at the time) was centered around the “imperfection” of the body and the need to lose weight in order to match unrealistic photoshopped images of people we see via our multiple screens.

This ain’t that.

I did my first juice cleanse after I started really paying attention to what powerful elders had been saying for the longest of times. Dr. Sebi, Luisah Teish, Queen Afua. All of them where saying multiple versions of the same thing. One of them being that we have the power to heal ourselves. And part of that comes with rooting ourselves in practices that help us to get aligned and connected to the earth and with our higher selves.

Back in 2015, I really began putting the dots together between my relationship with food and its impact on my emotional well-being. I began to notice that my severe mood swings of feeling good one minute and deeply depressed in another had a lot do with eating out, eating processed food, eating a lot of meat with no green or naturally colorful food. Eating processed food would have my intestinal tract all over the place, IBS out of control, stomach hurting, intense amount of gas and pain (I’m just being honest!).

Also, my eating habits were just like blah. I would drink milk ALL of the time. Eating cereal twice a day and thinking that is food. Eating bacon, egg, cheese sandwiches all the time thinking that is all that I need. I would eat chips, cookies, ice cream like it was water. Honestly, that was my way of life for 27 years.

That pattern of eating was a problem for me. Not only because it is unhealthy. But it ain’t real food. It is a whole bunch of nicely arranged chemicals formed into something that can be consumed. And if it is coming from animals, that doesn’t necessarily make it any better given the way that animals face the worst kind of torture and are chemically injected with all kinds of shit just so that we can go down the street and order chicken tacos, hamburgers or whatever. I am not saying that I don’t do that. But I am realizing that it is becoming a harder decision to make every time. I can’t deny or ignore what I know. If I am going to consume a meat product or a fake processed food product the things that are going through my head are:

I know the way animals are treated. I know the type of torture that they go through before they are packaged for my consumption. I know the type of hormones that are injected into them before my consumption. Is this really what I want to put in body. Knowing that I am hypersensitive to these things?
If I am about to eat processed food then I also have to prepare for mood swings. Do I really want to dive into a deep depression for the next 5 days because of this? Can I eat something else?

Anyways, I feel like I have digressed. Because what I really wanted to reflect on is what is coming up for me during this particular juice fast.

I just be eating just to be eating

It is funny how the brain works or more so how set I am in a particular routine. Because I’ll find myself going to the fridge or the cabinet like “oooo what can I eat?” And I will have to catch myself like “Shani! You are not eating right now. Drink some juice.” Or if I am feeling restless, lonely, sad, anxious, happy, etc I’ll be like ooo it is time to eat. Actually, no it isn’t. And that is a pretty significant revelation. Often times, it is my emotional state of mind that leads me to eat something rather than ACTUALLY being hungry. This is where the whole snacking thing has come from. I feel grateful for this fast in the sense that it is helping me to differentiate between emotional eating and eating because I am actually ready to grub. And this fast has forced me to rely on other methods for coping with the emotions that come up for me. If I am feeling anxious my new thing is to drink a mixture of mugwort/wild lettuce tea. If I am feeling sad and lonely, put on some Ghanaian hi-life music quick fast and start sketching. If I am feeling happy and inspired go for a run, call/hang out with a friend. Even writing this out now is kind of like wowww you know? I am seriously in this moment learning how to be in better relationship with my mind and body. And that is a treasured gift that I hope to hold onto.

Emotional ebbs and flows are hard and illuminating

Juice fasting has brought me up close and personal with my emotions. Every single one of them. I have had to face a hard reality which is that I tend to bury my emotions and feelings. All of them. Somewhere down the road (I’ll probably need to reflect on that too...but I’ll save that for another time) a belief that I have about myself is that my emotions are bad, feelings not worthy or important, are too intense, are too much, are too angry, too emotional, too crazy, too sensitive. These are things that have been said to me in the past from multiple people close and not so close. These are things I have believed to be true about myself. And thus, I don’t express anything. Or maybe I should say in certain spaces and with certain people and with myself most importantly I bury my emotions and how I am feeling. And if it isn’t completely buried, I definitely feel and see the filter. And that feels like the safer option. That way I get to keep a job, keep/maintain peace, not engage in escalated arguments, not feel shutdown etc. Thankfully as a result of loving friends, my partner of three years, and the personal work I have done over the last 6 years a lot of this is starting to get released. Slowly, but surely.

Meditation and intention setting

What has become painstakingly clear is that I cannot live without meditation and intention setting. I have to set and create sacred time and space to connect and move forward on the callings that are coming from within. There is a deep need for me to move from the head space to the spirit space. How do I strengthen the little voice inside me that is encouraging me to write more, paint more, love more, be in community more? How do I tell the conditioned brain that it is time for you to go on a time out. Damn! You’ve been running the show for too long. I can do this with meditating. Even if it is 30, 10 or 5 minutes of silence, no judgement, no thinking and stressing about what I have to do, where I gotta be, or what I haven’t done. Meditating allows me to slow down and get back connected. Doing it before I do anything else (check my phone, stuff for work, be anywhere, do anything etc) really REALLY switches up the whole entire vibe.

Sending thanks to all of the wonderful light beings who have helped me and continue to show me and give me these little reminders. Ya’ll are magic <3

This piece was originally published in What the Spirit Says Volume #2

Get your copy on my etsy page https://www.etsy.com/shop/anikweens

Shani EaleyJune 19, 2019